Reflection #11: Helping Everyone Can End Up Not Helping Many

This is one of the hardest lessons I have learned in ministry so far, that in trying to help everyone one may simply end up not helping many. Let me explain: there are limits to anyone's inner resources, and to have those used up without proper replenishment leads to a diminishment in one's ability to be helpful to anyone. Most pastors I know are in this vocation because they are helpful, compassionate people who yearn to help others in a meaningful and substantial manner. This yearning is admirable on one level, but dangerous on another. On one level trying to be helpful to those who have troubles, especially those marginalized by society, is simply following the lead of Jesus who spent much of his time ministering to the outcasts and unfortunates of first century Palestine. On the other hand this intention to be helpful can descend into an unhealthy form of co-dependency, which in the end doesn’t do anyone any good.

This is particularly dangerous for people like me who are both people-pleasers and conflict-avoiders – that’s a combination that can quickly lead to a depletion of emotional resources for the helper and a perpetuation of unhelpful behaviour for the one supposedly being helped. When the person seeking help refuses to take “no” or “later” as a reasonable response to their request, then a conflict can ensue, and in order to avoid the uncomfortableness of the conflict a minister may just give in to the request for help, and wear themselves out further in trying to help another.

To a person in crisis, real or perceived, getting help is the primary and immediate focus of their attention. For that person (or people) to be aware of the emotional, physical and spiritual well-being of the minister is unlikely, especially if the crisis seems acute. Since we can not rely on the person or people in crisis to be aware of the inner resources of the minister, then it is up to the minister to be self-aware. This is what I learned the hard way. It was up to me to care for my own well-being, no one else could or would do that for me. I had to learn to recognize my limitations, to sense when enough was enough. I had to make time to get away from it all in order to sit quietly in the healing and loving presence of God.

Thus time for one’s self, time to recharge, to re-examine, and to reconnect with God is essential. Allowing one’s self to burn out, to get completely exhausted emotionally and spiritually, this simply means long term ministry has been sacrificed for short term expediency. Sometimes until getting away from a situation one cannot see clearly what is happening and what is needed. The Gospels record that Jesus would go off to be by himself. I suspect these times of private prayer and solitude were needed by Jesus to keep his ministry focussed and fuelled. According to the Gospel of Luke this was something Jesus did regularly: “Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” (Luke 5:15-16 NIV)

Another way to talk about this topic is to use the law of diminishing returns. There comes a point where the effectiveness of the worker declines, due to fatigue and other factors, so that the time spent working is less and less productive. I remember experiencing this especially back in my seminary and university days. I would be writing a paper, forcing myself to keep at it because of a deadline, and after so much time working on the assignment if I didn’t take a break I simply started making mistakes or writing so poorly that it would need to be re-written later. Far better at that point to take a break, to rest, and then return to the assignment with fresh energy and understanding. This was easier to do with a paper, a written assignment can’t keep asking for help – with people I needed to learn to say “Sorry but I can’t help you right now.”

I remember a lesson from Pastor Gordon Hanson, who told my seminary class of a technique he used with people asking for help when he was unable, or unwilling, to respond at that moment. He would say to the person “This sounds like a terrible problem. Do you think this problem will still be bothering you tomorrow?” To which the person would inevitably respond with something like “Oh yes, this problem is not going away.” Then Gordon would reply “Then we can set a time tomorrow to deal with this problem further.” Gordon Hanson taught us that we are the only ones who can set the necessary boundaries in our lives and in our schedules in order to maintain our personal well-being. I had to learn through hard personal experience that sometimes there was no way to avoid disappointing people, or even making them mad – but their disappointment or anger does not need to prevent me from doing what I need to do to ensure I am physically, emotionally and spiritually in good health. That’s the only way ministers can continue to serve others, by caring for themselves along the way. When I tried to help everyone who asked me for assistance I only ended up crashing and burning, then I wasn’t much use to anyone. Thankfully I discovered that by intentionally and regularly removing myself to a place of prayer, peace and privacy I was able to be rejuvenated and renewed for ministry.

To be truthful, I still have the impulse to help others whenever my assistance is requested. That urge to bring peace and healing into people’s lives seems to be part of my character. The wisdom that comes from experience now helps to bring a voice of caution when I am running low on personal energy. In the end I had to trust that God would provide someone else to help the person in need, it wasn’t all up to me. After all, we are called into community with one another precisely because we can’t do it all ourselves. Together, as a family of faith, we help and serve one another. In these past 25 years I have learned that sometimes I need to let someone else in the family have the blessing of being able to help a person in need.